The Land That Sanity Forgot

The House of Red

I hesitate to do this. It's kind of a "don't shit where you eat" conundrum for me. If I really blast my place of employment, where my entire income is based on tips, on the internet I'm essentially asking to make less money. However, since what went on there last night has direct ramifications for this site and my ability to contribute to it I guess I'll risk it.

For those of you who aren't aware this week is National Television Turn Off Week. Parents, schools, scout troops, and other (mostly children based) groups are encouraging Americans to find other ways to entertain themselves for one television free week. I think it's a great idea if you're a parent. Today's kids are definitely growing up in a more sedentary lifestyle than even my generation and a week of forced alternative activities will certainly make a healthy contribution to their overall well being. Less television, more sports, books, conversation, all good.

This good idea takes a horrible turn for the bizarre when you attempt to integrate it into a bar. That's right, the owner of the Red House and his omnisprescent girlfriend have decided to observe National TV Turn Off Week at work as well. That means no Celtics playoff game, no Red Sox games, no Sportscenter, no CNN, nothing. This is like going into the Post Office and having the postal employee force you to floss while you stand in line. Sure it's a good idea in it's place but it just doesn't translate to everywhere.

Now to be fair the Red House is in Cambridge, and 02138 is an area prone to acceptance of such forward, albeit misguided, thinking. Unfortunately, even in Cambridge this idea simply does not translate to a business and has caused nothing but problems.

The first problem it causes is the necessary expulsion of the general rule that the customer is always right. The Red House is by no means a sports bar, but it also not the liveliest room in town and a little electronic distraction is always appreciated by our regulars, most of whom come in alone seeking drink first, a game to watch and comment on second, and company third. These regulars and a bevy of normal customers have expressed their unhappiness with the idea to me, to the general manager, and to the owner himself (who makes untimely visits to the bar to chat from time to time) to no avail. He has had two responses: the public response and the behind the scenes response.

Public Response: It's the principle of the thing. I don't want the TV turned on for a whole week in my house and this is like my house. I live here (which he doesn't) everynight I invite you into my house, and of course I care if that costs me business but the principle is more important.

Behind the Scenes Response: I WON'T BE PUSHED AROUND BY ANYONE! When I make a decision it's not a democracy it's the way it is!

The result, unhappy customers who leave feeling unhappy and shaking their heads, unhappy staff who resent their employer even more than usual, and an embarrassed GM who has to explain this situation a thousand times an hour for the next week.

The following scenario actually played out before my very eyes last night. An attractive young woman enters the bar and immediately seeks the attention of the GM. She tells him that she is a student of Bill Gergin (an amazingly nice and brilliant professor at the Kennedy School at Harvard who frequents the Red House) and that Prof. Gergin would like to bring his class of about 18 people into the bar at 8:00 PM to watch President Bush's speech. The GM informs her of National TV Turn Off Week and that he will have to ask the owner for permission to turn to TV on for that half an hour. He disappears for about 5 minutes (during which time the afore mentioned "behind the scenes response" takes place) and returns with the news that despite the fact that Prof. Gergin is a great customer and that his 18 students would triple the population of the bar at 8:00 PM the Red House regrets to inform him that his request is denied and that the owner's principles and pig-headedness are more important than a simple and profitable courtesy. The woman stands there looking shocked and says, "You're kidding right?" When she receives a sad shake of the head she turns and leaves the bar sadly shaking her own head.

Now a bar feisty bar regular named Mary Murphy caught this scene as she was entering the bar and inquired about it. When I explained it to her she said that she would push the owner to turn the TV just for the Celtics game. The result of that exchange was the owner behind the bar, in my way, leaning in to berate her with his finger an inch from her face, while a room full of people watched in horror. I swear to you the world at 98 Winthrop Street has spun off of its axis. There is never an appropriate justification for brow beating a customer, especially not within view of other patrons, and the degree of self absorption required for such a display is beyond my imagination.

The real problem here is that he knows he's wrong. At this point the 100% negative response that he's received has to have made an impression. But he is such an arrogant, self serving, pompous, narcisstic maniac that he would rather alienate his entire staff, his regular customer base, and the casual customer so as to avoid admitting his mistake. It really is a sad situation to watch him so angrily try to defend a terrible idea with such vigor.

One more little anecdote. When the GM was cashing out on Wednesday night he turned the TV on to have something in the background while he worked. The restaurant was closed and he was there alone. Somehow the owner found out and berated him about it saying that it wasn't about just keeping it off while the place was open, but that the TV was to stay off for the entire week because he said so. He actually said these words to another adult, "When I tell you to do something you fucking do it." Can you imagine being a 37 year old professional and having your boss speak to you like that?

So the point is that I can't write anything about the Celtics game today because I didn't see a single second of it, and I won't see a single minute of Saturday's game, or today and tomorrow's Red Sox games. Not to mention my wallet is considerably lighter because all of my potential customers keep leaving before they spend any money.

Jealous?

Thank God I gave my 2 week notice yesterday, thank God. Click here to check out my new place http://www.dockside-hyannis.com. You can check out the house of insanity at http://www.theredhouse.com.

Got Problems?

MAN DOWN!

It's not even May and Red Sox nation is ready to panic.

Wells - down for at least a month probably more with a foot injury. The good news is he can continue his "fitness activities" which are obviously rigorous, evidenced by his svelte physique and attention to personal hygiene.

Schilling - down for 15 days but likely at least 4 starts with an injury to his surgically repaired ankle. This injury was deemed "indirectly related" to his previous problem by the Sox training staff. What that seems to indicate is that the actual injury was healed but that the ankle was weakened due to immobilization to such an extent that repeatedly pushing off of the mound with force caused a bone bruise.

Clement - getting hit hard so far, aside from one brilliant start in Baltimore. 38 hits in 30 innings is more telling than his 3.90 ERA, he's obviously had to get himself out of a lot of trouble, that can't continue.

Arroyo - predictable. Huge problems with lefties (.306 average), ERA around 4.00, .500ish record.

Wakefield - always starts strong, the league figures out the knuckler the second time around.

Options - slim to none. John Halama (i.e. John Burkett's left handed brother from another mother) will replace Wells. Either Lenny DiNardo, Abe Alvarez, Jeremi Gonzalez or some combination of those will replace Schilling. Total major league starts between those three: 0.

But here's the point. IT'S APRIL 29th! Relax Red Sox Nation, I can't believe I'm saying this, but things are going to be fine. I'm going to talk you through a 12 step program to get you through these next few weeks, are you with me? Okay...

1. Forget about last year. The 2004 Red Sox did not have a single member of the rotation miss a start due to injury. Yes that is correct, not one. That isn't going to happen again and it wasn't going to happen even if the Sox hadn't won the World Series.

2. Derek Lowe and Pedro aren't coming back. You can call WEEI all day long and complain about how they should have signed D-Lowe in the offseason because he's "a winner" but that's not going to change anything, and guess what, he wasn't a winner last regular season with an ERA over 5.50 and a total lack of confidence. I'll never forget what he did for us in the playoffs last year but 3 wins in October is not worth 9 million a year over the next four years guaranteed. It would have been stupid, and if they had done it you same yahoos would have been calling in screaming and yelling about how Theo is so incompetent for signing such a bum the first time he lost a game. Pedro wanted out and despite the fact that he'll have a huge year this year 2 years from now we'll be thanking our lucky stars he's no longer our problem.

3. Stop talking about "mulligans" for this year's team because they won last year. This isn't last year's team, and all you're doing by offering them penance for losing this season is holding them to the impossible standard of last season. Even if they were to repeat it won't be the same so just let it go. Last year is over and no professional athletes get mulligans from real fans.

4. Have faith in the other side of the ball. This offense is stacked. Manny and Ortiz are the toughest 3-4 combination in baseball and both will be MVP candidates. Varitek is doing the opposite of most pros, he's performing at a high level as a result of his multi-year deal not in order to get it. Johnny Damon, despite his three ring circus is among the best center fielders in the game and Mark Bellhorn is one of the better offensive second basemen in the American League. If Renterria, Millar, Nixon, and Mueller put up solid numbers the Sox will be in the top 3 in the AL in runs, home runs, and slugging.

5. Believe in the brass. John Henry and the ownership group understand the balance between fiscal responsibility and the need to win. If this season starts to look shaky, especially on the mound they will authorize Theo to make moves to fix it.

6. Remember that, "In Theo we trust." Of course we don't trust him like we trust Belichick, but that is a pantheon with only one resident. He may have been ineffective this offseason but it is hardly his fault. He couldn't bring back Lowe or Pedro, monetarily or otherwise. Pavano wanted to go to New York because he was raised a Yankee fan, Johnson didn't want to come here, and Washburn really isn't that good. Clement is struggling but in many respects he was the best available option at the time.

7. Where you are in April is not indicative of where you'll be in September. Despite the Orioles' hot start they do not have the arms to stay in it for the long haul. They are going to score a ton of runs but they won't be able to stop anyone after the All Star break and will fade. Unfortunately, the same can be said for the Yankees...

8. The only race that matters is with the Yankees. We're still a few games ahead of them and their pitching, while healthier is just as shaky as the Red Sox. It remains to be seen what will happen over the laung haul. Johnson is old, Pavano is nervous in New York, and like I said Washburn just isn't that good.

9. The bullpen. Keith Foulke will get it together and provide huge innings and Timlin will be solid as always. Embree is a question because his fastball is still straight as an arrow and now it's at 94 not 97, could be problematic but if he gets his velocity back he'll be fine. Myers is a crucial ace against lefties.

10. The Devil Rays. The Sox still get to play the worst team in the American League over a dozen times. Those are 8 guaranteed wins, maybe 10 or 11, throw in a cool dozen more against the Blue Jays who are sure to fall apart and playing in the AL East no longer looks so bad. This of course doesn't help against the Yankees but it does help for...

11. The Wild Card. Do we need to remind anyone that just getting into the playoffs in baseball is all that counts? Looking around the league, even if the Sox manage to lose the East there are precious few teams that will challenge for the Wild Card. The White Sox will likely cool off and the AL West is unlikely to produce anything beyond the Angels. The A's will not be the same without the "Big 3".

12. We're still Red Sox fans. Everyone outside of New England thought that a World Championship would mellow us, turn us into Brewers fans with a different accent. Now we're less than a month into the season and it's panic time and yahoo nation is riding high. Did you miss it? I thought so. The best part? We get to panic, act paranoid, irrationally whine and yet you never have to hear "1918!" ever again. How annoying are we now?

NBA Monday

The biggest thing in China....Get it?

If you're a Dallas fan you must be teetering on top of a rooftop right now. This worthless stick figure who doesn't even understand the jeers I hurl at him whenever he touches the ball lit up your Mavs for 33 in Houston's dramatic two point victory in Dallas last night. 33 points on 13 of 14 shooting, someone in your organization should be taken out back and shot for this. This Gumby look alike has no playoff experience, no nose for the basketball, no fight, he's just tall. And my God look at that goofy celebration, he looks like the special kid rounding the bases after the gym teacher told him he had hit a home run after swinging and missing 37 times.

I know that paragraph is really offensive but I just can't stand Yao.

The other thing that Mavs fans must be griping about today is the anemic play of Keith Van Horn down the stretch. Yes Dirk had a bad shooting game again but he turned it on towards the end, Van Horn just looked scared to shoot and opted to throw the ball to no one when he was wide open from 12 feet. Eventually he cost Dallas the game by failing to jump out on the screen that allowed T-Mac to hit the game winning jumper with 2 seconds left. It's not as if this guy has no playoff experience, just ask any Celtics fan who watched Van Horn and his Nets knock the Celtics out twice. Where was this a few years ago Keith?

On the other side of the coin Houston fans must be ecstatic. All I've heard since the matchups were finalized is, "The Mavs are going to destroy the Rockets in at most 5 games. Who's going to guard Nowitzki? Finley is twice as good as David Wesley and Bob Sura combined!" Everyone was sure of this, apparently everyone except for the Mavs and the Rockets.

T-Mac has taken his game to an almost Jordan-esque level in the first 2 games and the defensive pressure that he requires has opened up things for everyone else like the stick-figure or Bob Sura (who buried two huge threes in the final minutes last night...but then got chewed out by Van Gundy for celebrating). He has also taken on the daunting task of covering Nowitzki on the defensive end where he's done an admirable job, although he has been helped by Dirk's cold shooting. McGrady actually presents defensive problems for Nowitzki, especially when his shot isn't there because he isn't quick enough to get by T-Mac and is forced to rely only on his jumper.

It's been more than T-Mac's amazing play that has brought down the Mavs in the series. Dallas is playing as though they are hearing the footsteps of all their past playoff collapses getting closer and closer and they are feeling the pressure of being, "the most playoff ready" team in recent years. Dirk was walking dead for the first 43 minutes of last night's game and completely forgot to show up for game 1, Yao was able to score 33 which is 31 more than he should ever drop, Sura has been everywhere hitting big shots and playing defense, and the Mavs for some reason continue to play Erik Dampier who is the only guy in the NBA stupider than Ricky Davis.

It remains to be seen if they can get back into this series and the keystone is Nowitzki. He had a career year and on most nights seemed unstoppable. He needs to regain that form or his legacy as a playoff choke artist will just grow and grow.

Now you might be thinking why the hell is the Boston Slant so concerned about....hold on I just flipped the channel to MTV Hits and caught the end of the "One Thing" video. I don't know who that girl is but she is ridiculous in those white booty shorts, apparently her name is Amerie, which is also hot.

Okay sorry, like I was saying you might be asking why am I so concerned about the Dallas v. Houston series on the day after the Celtics lost a heartbreaker to the Pacers at home. There's a few reasons.

1. Frankly the Dallas v. Houston series is more interesting to write about. There's a huge stud on each team, the games have been close with dramatic finishes, and the West just plays better basketball than the East.

2. I knew the Celtics were going to lose last night's game. This is still a mediocre team, as much as I and all other C's fans don't want to admit it this team struggled to win the Atlantic Division and is just a few games over .500 in the East. Not to mention, after a blow out of such epic proportions most teams bounce back especially when they have a veteran leader who is playing not to keep his season alive but to extend his career. The Celtics are still going to win this series, but now they know that they're going to have to win 4 games not just one game by 30.

3. I can't write even the least bit objectively (not that I ever do) about last night's game because I am fully blinded by my rage at Ricky Davis. I know my late-night blog yesterday was a little over the top but in all seriousness there is nothing worse than talking a whole bunch of bullshit about your opponent after 1 game. We as Boston sports fans should know better than anyone that a big blow out and a lead in a series means nothing! (Ahem 19-8, 3-0?!!). I would be writing along and all of a sudden I would get to the part where that thug jerkoff misses the crucial jumper with 40 seconds to play (maybe all the hot air he was expelling pushed it offline) and I would start twitching and foaming at the mouth with really tends to freak out the neighbors.

4. The bar I watched the end of the Celtics game at for some reason was playing the audio for the Red Sox game, in which they were getting blown out, instead of the Celtics game, which was actually a little distracting. All of a sudden there'd be a big roar while the Pacers were walking the ball up the court, it's really strange to hear crowd noise and announcing that has nothing whatsoever to do with the game in question. Whatever, that has nothing to do with this I just wanted to write it because it annoyed me at the time.

Okay that's it for now. Red Sox blog later.

What An ASS

What an ass.

There are a few things that you never want to do in the playoffs of any sport.

The number one thing you never want to do is give your opponent extra motivation. If you're going to talk about "breaking out the brooms" (i.e. sweeping your opponent) in the second quarter of game 1 you better make damn sure no one hears you, and it would be a good idea to make sure that an 18 year veteran superstar's career isn't on the line. It doesn't matter if you won by 3, 30, or 300 it's still just one game. Apparently Ricky forgot this rule.

If you're going to say such a stupid thing Ricky please make sure that you make the open 9 foot shot with 40 seconds left to cut the deficit to 1 in game 2.

No NBA insider thought the Celtics were going to sweep the Pacers, and everyone said Reggie Miller was going to come to play. They were right, you were wrong, now you have to shut up and take a game in Indiana or your team is going home you thug "And One" wanna be jackass.

Ricky Davis is everything I hate about the NBA. Like Woody Harrelson said in White Men Can't Jump, "You're just like every brother I've every played against. You'd rather look good and lose than look bad and win." Well guess what Ricky you missed a wide open jumper at a CRUCIAL juncture, looked real bad, and you lost.

What an ass.

P.S. Houston and Dallas are playing a ridiculous game right now. T-Mac just refuses to let Houston slip away. This is the best series of the first round.

The Draft and The Weekend

Logan Mankins

Since I only watched about five minutes of the draft, because I was working, but mostly because it's as interesting as a chia-pet, I had to look up how the Patriots did today.

I had heard that they took an offensive lineman in the first round, which I thought was strange since going into the draft that was one of the areas of least concern. The departure of Joe Andruzzi is definitely a loss but I felt pretty certain that they would go for a defensive back early. I think it's even stranger now that I've read more about Logan Mankins and his injury problems and that he was projected to go somewhere in the late second or early third rounds.

I have to believe that this pick was precipitated to a large extent by the selection of five defensive backs before the Patriots first pick at 32. With Marlin Jackson and Fabian Washington both going off the board in the 20's Belichick and the Patriots must have felt that replacing Andruzzi was a better option than taking Stanford Routt who went to Oakland (who also took Washington) at number 36 or Corey Webster who went to the Giants at 43, both of whom are reportedly "project" players.

The Pats didn't pick again until number 84, where they finally took their DB Ellis Hobbs from Iowa State. If you've heard of Ellis Hobbs before this you are most likely from Iowa. According to Scouts Inc. he is nothing more than an undersized, sub/nickel package guy, which probably means that under Belichick he'll either be cut on day 2 or will be in the Pro Bowl.

The other five picks are obviously of less note. Nick Kaczur at 100 was the most positively touted player. He's been called the hardest working offensive lineman in the draft and a very "coachable" project, which is definitely something the Patriots demand. James Sanders, a safety out of Fresno State at 133 has gotten some good grades for playing above his size and speed, which is another great love of the Patriots but according to Scouts Inc. he always needs protection behind him (BAD for a safety).

The last three players selected by New England were Ryan Claridge an outside linebacker from UNLV, Matt Cassel a quarterback from USC (sidenote: did the Pats just get confused and pick the wrong Matt from USC or did they really draft a guy who has ridden the bench for the past 2 years?), and Mr. Irrelevant Andy Stokes a tight end from William Penn at the dreaded number 255.

From my very moderately educated perspective this draft report does not impress, especially in terms of needs addressed. If the Patriots were going to take a flyer on a guy with injury issues and questionable potential in the first round why didn't they do so to at the position of greatest need, defensive backfield, especially when they knew they weren't going to pick again until 84 where there would likely be no top end skill position but plenty of big line prospects remaining? I'm sure that every pick was researched and agonized over by the Pats brass and that their reasons are better than my questions, but I'd love to hear why the only weakness they really had was not addressed in the form of the first round selection. Hey, how can I not trust Belichick and Pioli at this point?

Although I really find the 48 hours of draft coverage painfully dull there were a few things I found interesting about the proceedings.

The 49'ers selection of Alex Smith has got to be hard to swallow for San Fran. fans. You can almost imagine the scene in the 'Niners war room on Saturday morning. A whole bunch of, "Fine! We'll just take the damn kid even though we really just want to wait until next year to get Matt Leinart...God this is going to blow up in our faces." They now have to pay top pick money to a guy who would have been the 4th quarterback taken last year, ouch.

Jason White joined the Charlie Ward Club as the only Heisman winners not drafted. Just nobody tell Jason that Charlie was making millions in the NBA. Sorry buddy.

Aaron Rodgers got about as lucky as a guy can get but still probably had the worst day of his life. He's lucky because now he gets to be the successor to Brett Favre in Green Bay instead of battling with Tim Rattay for the right to start in San Fran. and get the snot beat of him every game for 2 seasons. Of course it was also the worst day of his life because earlier in the week he was supposed to go number 1. It's gotta be real lonely in that back room when everyone else is gone and you're there for 2 more hours and with each pick that passes you by you can feel your wallet getting lighter and lighter and lighter...

The Dolphins pulled a great bait and switch on Braylon Edwards, telling his agent the day before the draft that, "there are no guarantees but there is strong interest" in selecting Edwards and then taking Ronnie Brown at number 2. The fish were trying to do what every team should have been doing, drum up trade interest in their number 2 spot by suggesting that they were going to take someone that other teams wanted. Basically they were just trying to get out of the way of a number 2 pick in a painfully weak draft. Too bad everyone below them knew that too.

Detroit is LOADED at wide receiver and definitely got the steal of the draft in Mike Williams at number 10. You heard it here first, this kid will be the best player to come out of this draft and it isn't going to be close. With Roy Williams and Charles Rogers the Lions will have the best receiving core in the NFL soon, yes Indianapolis that's right, they will be better than you. Now if Joey Harrington could get his shit together...

Mike Shannahan apparently thinks that he can turn ANYONE into a decent running back. There is no other reason you would take the walking nightmare named Maurice Clarett. Of course you have to take someone when you don't make your first pick until number 56.

BC was shut out in the draft this year. No players selected. There was however a player taken by the Patriots from William Penn...not our finest moment. Sorry other Matthias, looks like you should have gone to class eh buddy?

NBA Playoffs blog later.

The Curse of Aaron "Bleeping" Boone

You poor suffering bastard...

It seems that, with his dramatic walk off homerun in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS Aaron Boone continued one curse, now defunct, but also conceived another, and the proof lies in the photo above!

The great wizards and warlocks of ere were often known to cast confusingly intertwined "multi-spells" into order to ensure the greatest possible damage would be inflicted upon the cursee. It seems that Boone is a descendant of this powerful line of dark magic wielders, and that his true menace and wrath is manifesting itself as we speak!

This maniacal curse was brilliantly hidden within the fold of his primary objective in the fall of '03, continuing "The Curse of the Bambino" and has only manifested itself this season as "The Curse of those Fleeing the Curse of the Bambino for the Curse of the Goat or Whatever it is that keeps the Damn Cubs from Winning a Championship."

Take the doubly cursed Todd Walker, 2003 Red Sox second baseman, 2005 Cubs long-term DL attendee with a knee injury, likely out until June. And now add to it Nomar's groin injury, which will keep him on the pine for 3 months. Need I say more.

We have all seen the video, Nomar swings and bounces to second and without making a motion towards first base falls to the ground, clearly in the grip of pure evil! Evil which would cruelly pull the groin muscle from the bone, driving the noble swordsman and his sub-200 batting average and tendency to greatly exaggerate injury to the ground.

I imagine if you ask Aaron Boone where he was at the time of the injury he will feign innocence and claim he was "playing a baseball game" and that he's not "cursed with the dark spirit" but believe him not and be fooled not by his foul will! Evil and only evil resides in that tempest of hatred and pain and be warned all ex-2003 Red Sox, steer clear of the Goat-cursed land of Chicago for you too may fall victim to this most vile and viscous magical conspiracy!

* Disclaimer: This post was written at 2:00 AM after a 13 hour shift. No excuses for how weird it is I'm just saying keep it mind when you're blasting at me. Thanks.

Step Forward....Step Back...

Brian Roberts


Step Forward: MLB is testing and suspending spray hitting base stealing Tampa Bay Devil Rays for steroid use.
Step Backward 1: No one is testing Brian Roberts and his 6 home runs in April. He had 5 last SEASON!
Step Backward 2: Someone is going to write this about every breakout player for the next 15 years, whether or not it's true it's going to be thought and it's going to be said. Thanks Jose, Mark, Jason, Barry.

Step Forward: Dontrelle Willis is emerging as the star he was projected to be 2 years ago when he was unhitable through July and August.
Step Backward: He's been on my fantasy bench for the last week.

Step Forward: There's a new Pope.
Step Backward: He's a 78 year old hard line conservative with a history of criticizing the victims of sexual abuse by priests, speaking out against priests being allowed to marry, and abortion. W must be thrilled. (Sidenote: How can you reach the pinnacle of your career at 78, 13 years after being eligible for Social Security? You should be drooling on yourself at the Springfield Retirement Castle eating jello, not being declared infallible on matters of faith!)

Step Forward: Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz hit 900 feet worth of home runs last night.
Step Backward: Allen Embree and Keith Foulke came unglued and the Red Sox lost.

Step Forward: The Red Sox finished their home stand 6-2.
Step Backward: Now they have to go to Baltimore where they haven't been able to win for 2 years, to face a simply nasty O's lineup. (Sidenote: Rumors about the O's making a play for Todd Helton keep me up at night sweating.)

Step Forward: The Celtics are in the playoffs.
Step Backward: They are backing into the playoffs with bad luck, having to play the Cavs and Nets, who desperately need wins, in their last two. It's never good to go into a series on a skid, especially against the Pacers.

Step Forward: The NFL draft is Saturday.
Step Backward 1: ESPN is trying to make us believe that we should actually watch this non-event with their "The Draft matters, you have to go deep," ad campaign. After pick 12 no one but Mel Kiper has heard of any of these guys.
Step Backward 2: This draft is so weak that teams like the 49ers are trying to scramble out of the way of the first picks because there's no one there worth taking and paying top pick money. The problem is nobody is willing to jump up to take the afore mentioned no one.

Step Forward: The Cavs and Lebron James have a chance to make the playoffs tonight if they win and the C's beat the Nets.
Step Backward: If they don't make it Vince Carter or A.I. will be the biggest star not named Shaq playing in these playoffs. No Kobe, no Garnett, no Lebron, no New York or L.A. market teams, no viewers.

Step Forward: The Sports Guy wrote a long column blasting "Fever Pitch".
Step Backward: That poor bastard actually has to live with a woman who dared to compare him to Jimmy Fallon, and in his shock he wrote a column that actually sucked, which he never does.

Step Forward: Maria Sharapova turned 18 this week.
Step Backward: This just changes me from "officially creepy old guy" to "unofficially creepy old guy." It's like riding a moped to a tailgate party, it's not officially illegal, but it still ain't right.

Step Forward: The Yankees and Randy Johnson got stomped by the Devil Rays 6-2 last night, George Steinbrenner actually beheaded two lower level executives in his box after the game, and the Bombers are still in last place 13 games into the season.
Step Backward: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Happy 24th D-Seltz, beers and lines off of hookers tits on me tonight...

MNF To ESPN, SNF To NBC, DHW's Re-runs To ABC

"Are you ready for some football? ESPN?"

Starting in 2006 Monday Night Football, an American institution as revered as getting really drunk on Marathon Monday, will be moving to cable. The first prime time football telecast has been on ABC for the past 35 years, but will now be moving laterally within parent company Disney to ESPN.

The move contractually allowed NBC back into the football picture for the first time since 1997. They will be carrying the Sunday night games at a price of $600 million per season as well as the 2009 and 2012 Super Bowls. As a result ABC will now be the only major network with no football coverage, but they will have the Deperate Housewives re-runs to keep them warm all winter long.

Ideally these changes won't really mean much. Local stations will be allowed to air the Monday night games on free affiliates when the local team is playing so that at least the fans in the immediate area will be able to catch their teams even without cable.

One positive change for most fans is the earlier start times, kickoff of the Sunday night game will now be at 8:15 and the Monday game will be at 8:40 following an in stadium Monday Night Countdown from 7:30. One of the biggest criticisms of MNF has been its post 9:00 kickoff, which has the games ending at midnight or later given the substantial commercial interruption.

The major issue here for me is the announcers. Al Michaels is the best in the business and his voice is synonymous with MNF to my generation as Howard Cossell's voice is to the prior generation. If Disney is thinking with their big heads they will keep Michaels, dump John "I have Steve McNair's cock permanently lodged against my esophogus" Madden, and bring 2/3 of the ESPN Sunday Night team (i.e. NOT Theisman) in as his color guys. That won't happen however, it will either be Madden and Michaels, or Mike Patrick, Theisman, and that other guy.

No official announcement has been made about the broadcasters.

Commercial rights may be the only aspect adversely affected by this move. People are still going to have parties, bars are still going to do MNF promotions with annoyingly dumb Miller Lite girls NOT giving me free footballs. It will just all be on cable, which means fewer people will get to watch, which means advertisers will not want to pony up as many millions for a 20 second spot as they would on a major free network. Don't get me wrong, the ratings for this are still going to be huge, and long run this will help MNF, but immediately the numbers are going to look smaller than the ABC numbers because your casual fan without cable isn't going to rearrange his life and subscribe to Comcast at $50 a month just to see MNF when he gets free Sunday and Sunday night games.

Without a doubt the greatest accomplishment of this deal is the clause which allows late season games to be shuffled around to give the Sunday night telecasts the best games. So, if all of a sudden the week 15 Dolphins v. Browns matchup has playoff implications it could get moved from Sunday afternoon at 1:00 to nationwide coverage at 8:15, which basically means we won't be stuck watching the Dolphins and Browns play ever. An odd twist on this is that the NFL is saying, at least officially, that their marquee game of the week is the Sunday night game and that the Monday night game is their second priority. This is strange because the NFL already has Sundays by the proverbial jewels, why would they waste their top game when people are already watching? Maybe they are thinking that people, after watching football all day, need an intriguing game to keep their attention, and that the institution of MNF makes up for the status or meaning of the game.

Paul Tagliabue said Monday that he also hoped to nationally syndicate some Thursday and Saturday night games as well. Those games are ideally slated for NBC as well but according to ESPN.com they may end up on NFL Network, which would no doubt be a complete disaster for the commish and this experiment. I haven't seen the NFL Network since I stopped working a bar with a satellite dish, and I can't name a single person who has it at their house.

Whatever they do, ESPN better bring along Hank Williams (see above) to get me ready for some football...

5 Reasons to Hate T.O. and 5 Other Things

The face of ignorance and selfishness...

1. He signed a 7 year deal with 8.5 million up front, played 2/3 of a season and one (albeit heroic) playoff game, and now says, "Mo' money or you have mo' problems!"

2. He called out Donovan magnify for getting, "tired and sick" at the end of the Super Bowl. Apparently T.O. thinks he can throw the ball to himself too. And he obviously doesn't appreciate that Donovan was willing to restructure, defer money, and take his game to another level to get the Eagles to the Super Bowl.

3. He tried to explain his contract demands as not greedy or selfish and asked people to examine his stature in the game. Okay let's do that: a healthy Randy Moss is better than you, Marvin Harrison is at least as good as you, so I guess that makes you number 3. If you're going to demand that your team pony up more money and call 7 years 40 something million a "sub standard" deal YOU ARE VERY FUCKING SELFISH.

4. He stopped just short of the, "I have to feed my kids," line but still went as far as, "I'm just trying to take care of my family." Your family was taken care of with your signing bonus, forever, you never have to play another game and you kids will eat steak you donkey.

5. He didn't listen to Andy Reid, his coach and one of the classiest guys in sports who told him, "Don't go down this road."

5a. He's trying to use the Baltimore, Philadelphia trade issues (which he created!) as an excuse for renegotiating a deal that he was "forced into." I'm sure Baltimore would have paid you more...

5b. He's alienating one of the greatest fan bases in sports that had openly accepted him and his antics because he was winning. Now he's looking them in the face and saying, "It's all about the money."

***********************************************************************************
5 Other Things:

1. ESPN's new round-robin show "The Trifecta" which gives 20 minutes each to "Baseball Tonight", "Outside the Lines", and "NFL Live". Great idea in principle, bad idea because it's freaking April and Sean "My Arrogance Oozes from My Very Existence" Salisbury is still brow beating audiences across the nation.

2. Tom Brady on SNL. This is like that old football adage about the pass, "Three things can happen and two of them are bad." He could be funny, he could be really awful and awkwardly not funny, or he could be so awful that he will find himself as the butt of actually funny mockery in the future. Plus, with the Johnny Damon madness right now the timing just sucks.

3. What amazing advances in technology have reached the vending machines of the world to allow them to take nickels and dimes, that have not reached parking meters and laundry machines? Please, explain!

4. The vilification of the Red Sox fan who had the altercation with Gary Sheffield last night. I know we're all a little hyper-sensitive about fan interference after the brawl in Detroit but if you actually look at this tape the guy was pulling his hand back and wasn't even looking at Sheffield when he grazed him. I don't blame Sheffield because he didn't know that either but this guy did nothing wrong.

5. The fact that I actually have to agree with something Skip Bayless wrote (see Page 2 today).

My Response

Like I said before, if you don't like it change the channel.

ESPN, while based out of Connecticut is a national network and as such has a responsibility to cover what they deem to be the most interesting and/or captivating sports stories in terms of a national audience. Unfortunately, for the critics of my previous post, there are Red Sox fans throughout the country, just as there are Yankees fans everywhere. And, as much as they may be annoyingly over exposed at this point, their playoff run did receive great interest and support from many casual unbiased (or anti-Yankee) fans. As a result it is at least my belief that ESPN felt the need to give coverage to the conclusion of the story. When I said that ESPN knew what it was doing I in no way said that general populous of ESPN viewers was still interested in the story. What I meant was that there was obviously enough interest, either from scattered Red Sox fans, or the casual fan who followed last season, in someone's professional opinion, to warrant the extra coverage, maybe at the expense of those who find it tedious.

In terms of the ceremony itself, I make no apologies for that. It wasn't for anyone out there who found it cheesy or overblown. It was for Red Sox fans older than I am who have watched this team and the teams before it, including the old players they brought out to honor during the ceremony. What's the point of acting like you've been there before when you haven't in your lifetime (unless you're very old) and when you have no assurance that you will ever get there again? We celebrated this team for what it was, and if that is cheesy and overblown so be it.

As far as the perception that people around the country don't believe what the Red Sox accomplished last year was anything extraordinary I must strongly disagree. First, no team outside of the NHL has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit. Whatever, that alone was going to happen eventually. Add to it the dramatic walk-off wins in games 4 and 5, the fact that they had to go into their legendary house of horrors where a year earlier they had been dismantled so heartbreakingly to play games 6 and 7, Schilling's injury, Lowe's troubles, the unusual personalities, and the fact that they had not won a championship for the most loyal and rabid fan base (w/the Yankees and Cubs) in America in the better part of a century, and you have a pretty damn good story and certainly more than an "adequate" performance. That of course is not even mentioning the curse, if you buy into that. Talk about their payroll all you want, but the fact is they beat a team with a higher payroll in the ALCS and St. Louis is near the top of the national league in terms of salary. I understand if you believe their salary limits the immensity of their victory with regard to the MLB as a whole. However, in terms of individual performances and specific circumstances their achievements do make one of the great stories in sports history.

All that being said, I'm still not trying to tell anyone to watch or appreciate the coverage, which is over at this point. If I were not a Red Sox fan I wouldn't care either.

Finally, believe me, Red Sox fans find Johnny Damon's recent media slut-fest more annoying than you do. When he existed in relative long-haired obscurity he hit the ball, now he writes and signs books and grounds out to second. Not to mention, he really is nothing more than a C-list celebrity at best who was only able to sell books by talking maliciously about cheating on his ex-wife with his current wife. Believe it, we (at least I) hate it too and if this Red Sox season goes south at any point he is setting himself up as the first and hardest fall guy.

Great comments, keep 'em coming.

Red Sox Backlash

It's just a sock, really, a sock.

In a journalistic sense it is never a good idea to take both sides of an argument, but on the same token it isn't really a good idea to display a total lack of objectivity which I do every day, so why not?

In the days since the ring and banner ceremony at Fenway I've heard a lot of Sox bashing, telling the nation of fans to move on and that the baseball watching world has had enough of the '04 Sox. I completely understand.

If you live in Milwaukee and cheer loyally for the Brewers, first of all God help you, and second you shouldn't be subjected to 24 hours of Red Sox celebration on ESPN. That makes great sense, the coverage should b oeverwhelming and suffocating in Massachusetts, but certainly it could be toned down a bit in other parts of the country.

However, to say that Red Sox nation is rubbing this championship in the collective faces of MLB fans is ridiculous. If anyone is rubbing it in anyone's face it's ESPN and the other national news networks who are choosing to cover these stories with such great vigor.

The ultimate irony in this story is that the inspiration for this post came from today's "Daily Quickie" on ESPN. com. Listen Dan Shanoff, your employer is the one who runs pieces on life long Red Sox fans who happened to be in vegetative states during the playoff run. It is this same employer who covered the entirety of the celebration nationwide when all they were required to air was the game. And finally, it is your employer who insists on re-running the ring ceremony over and over again on ESPN Classic and ESPN News. What do you think happened NESN hacked the ESPN broadcast and forced viewers all over the country to watch the proceedings in HD? No, so turn your backlash inward and probably upward towards the ESPN executive offices and stop bitching about something that comes from your media outlet.

I feel your pain baseball land, if I weren't a Red Sox fan I would not care in the least about Johnny Pesky and Yaz running the flag up the center field pole, and to be honest seeing it once was enough even for me. However, the people at ESPN know what they're doing, and if they thought it was a good idea to saturate the market with Red Sox ring ceremony coverage they must have had a pretty good idea that someone out there was going to watch, even if it wasn't you. If you no longer find this team endearing and inspiring and now find them annoyingly over exposed that's alright, just change the channel.

Now will come the inevitable Yankee comparisons. "When the Yankees win the whole country doesn't stop and watch them get their rings." "When the Yankees win they give their rings to homeless guys on the street because they know it's all about winning again." "When the Yankees win George makes them use their rings for batting practice to show them how much he cares about last season." So what? The Yankees conduct themselves like a mechanical heartless Nazi regime and the Red Sox have conducted themselves like a slightly over sentimental ending to a movie. No two organizations are the same and they ways in which they celebrate success will obviously be different. Not to mention we beat them, after so many years of Babe Ruth, Bucky Fucking Dent, Aaron Fucking Boone, and all the others, we beat them and we earned it.

**********************************************************************************
Enough of all that, now onto another overblown and unnecessary national debate caused by the Sox ceremony, the scandal of Derek Lowe and Dave Roberts wearing Red Sox jerseys to receive their rings.

This is not a big deal. Derek Lowe was here for the better part of a decade in various capacities. He started, he relieved, he closed, he beat the Yankees in game 7 in the Bronx to vanquish 86 years of demons, he won all three series clinching games. He was a part of the greatest baseball story of our lifetime and he deserved to wear his former team's colors one last time. Lowe was accepting the ring as a member of the 2004 Red Sox, not as a visitor from the 2005 Dodgers. Monday was about last season, not about loyalties forged or broken in the offseason. Ditto for Dave Roberts.

I know that this is just more Red Sox backlash and that people are looking for reasons to hate them now, 86 of them if you read Dan Schoenfield's column, but let this one go, it's not news.

**********************************************************************************

I'm sure many of you saw the picture I have above on the front page of ESPN.com today, with the caption, "Schilling may auction the sock." Are they joking?

No, Darren Rovell and Page 2 actually published an article about bizarre collectors and what they seek.

Now if you want to talk about over saturation I'll jump freely onto this bandwagon. There are playoff races in the NBA, steroid suspensions in baseball, the NFL draft in less than 2 weeks, and a whole host of legitimate sports stories that could be the lead on the homepage of the largest sports media outlet in the world. But what do they decide to go with? Bloody sock collectors.

And ironically, the sock is not even mentioned in the article, not once. So, they use a Red Sox star, suggest that he may sell a bloodied sock in an online auction, which is false, all to get people to read an article about Luis Gonzalez's old chewed gum being sold for $10,000 (yes that is the real price). Now that's a gross misuse of the current fervor going around about the Red Sox, and who the hell wants to read about this anyway?

People think Red Sox fans are crazy? This is beyond....

Is That David Wells?

Is that...

Nope, it's Britney Spears, and since it's a relatively slow sports news day, (I'd write about the Celtics beating the Sixers but I made a total gaff and didn't watch more than 2 seconds of the game) and since I used every legimiately intelligent sentence in my vocabulary to describe the Red Sox ceremony yesterday I thought I'd really degenerate into some tabloid trash....plus I told a certain girl that if she found a funny pic of Britney I'd put it up. Besides, I haven't had a real comment on here in weeks, so maybe this will spark some conversation.

So here it is, and apparently she's pregnant, so the world may be cursed with another man (if it's a boy) who will be raised to think it's okay to wear capri pants. Really dude I don't care if Britney is your wife, there is nothing that says, "I'm a total douchebag!" like wearing women's clothes.

Where oh where have you gone Britney's body from the "Slave For You" video? ....ahhh memories... Hey I'd still replace that spoon with my, well you know.

At least we still have Lindsey Lohan.

The body, attached to those clapping hands probably paid $1500 for that seat, and it was worth every penny.

The pride of Red Sox nation waves in the wind.

64 years of loyalty earned Johnny Pesky a spot front and center at the greatest party in Red Sox history.

All class.

The "fly-over" that literally shook little 123 Orchard Street.

D-Lowe, soaking in adoration...and causing a nationwide debate over his jersey.

4 of the all time greats.

TRIBUTE

"Red Sox fans have longed to hear it!"

There were the mobs of people in Faneuil Hall and Kenmore Square after game 4 (myself included). There was the rolling rally through the Boston streets lined with 3 million rabid elated fans. And finally, just a few minutes ago the Red Sox and their fans paid one last tribute to the 2004 World Series champions in a chilling ring presentation and banner raising ceremony at Fenway Park.

It started with the BSO playing a dramatic piece while banners honoring the previous Red Sox championships were dropped over the Green Monster. After the 1918 banner settled close to the center field triangle an enormous, wall encompassing banner was unfurled and laid flat covering the others, it's ensignia said "WORLD SERIES 2004 CHAMPIONS".

Then, introduced by Don Orsillo and Joe Castiglione, armed servicemen injured in Iraq or Afghanistan brought the long awaited rings from left field to a table set up in front of the Red Sox dugout, where they were received by John Henry, Tom Warner, and Larry Lucchino. The players, coaches, and staff with no introduction other than their name and picture on the big screen one by one came out of the dugout, hugged Henry, Warner and Lucchino, shook hands with those who went before them, and took their place at the end of the line. With each player's emergence from the shadows the crowd roared.

Some players received special recognition from the Fenway faithful. The first to recieve a louder than usual ovation was Trot Nixon, but his reception was quickly outdone by the reaction for Jason Varitek. However, the loudest ovation, save one was without question given to Derek Lowe, who flew in from Arizona to be a part of the ring ceremony. As he climbed the dugout stairs his old picture from his Red Sox introductions was flashed on the big screen and the walls of fenway shook as he walked to the table in jeans and a button down, covered by a Red Sox jersey bearing his old number. When he tipped his cap the ovation grew still and by his third cap removal the roar was deafening. It gave me the chills, I cannot even imagine what it did for him.

Others that were greeted with great noise were Dave Roberts, also in from the west coast for the ceremony, and obviously Curt Schilling, who was among the last players presented, and who seemed, more than the rest to really soak in the atmosphere, turning and looking around and acknowleding the crowd, imprinting the moment in his mind.

But the last man to emerge from the clubhouse received a din that will never again be heard within Fenway unless they play a victorious game 7 on that field. Johnny Pesky had to be helped up the stairs by two young women I can only presume are his grandchildren, but once he reached flat ground a spring returned to that step that I imagine could only be provided by an opportunity to sport a championship ring for the first time. As the crowd cheered Pesky hugged each and every Red Sox player, coach, and staff member. The camera followed closely (maybe a little too closely) as Pesky reached Curtis Leskanic and uttered perhaps the highlight of the day in a gruff elderly voice, "Leskanic you son of a bitch!" He then reached up and ruffled the heavily gelled hair of Mark Malaska.

Pesky is a legend and today was his day as much as it was Damon's or Schilling's. He played in another era when players were with a team for their entire career. Ever since that career ended he has been with the organization constantly in various capacities. The man loves the Red Sox and is perhaps the oldest, loyalest, and longest tenured member of that organization and too see the tears in his eyes as he and Fred Lynn raised the flag to the top of the center field flagpole as over a dozen Red Sox greats of old watched brings home exactly the magnitude and importance of this championship.

The flag raising was accompanied by a song sung by a "Baseball Balladeer" (their words) which mainly consisted of this line, "They won it for (insert Red Sox great who never won it here)." Among the names listed, Ted Williams (twice), Fred Lynn, Bobby Doyle, Bill Buckner, ("It's okay! It's okay!" Yes, he really sang that) Jerry Remy, Yaz, Dewy, Greenwell, Eckersly and many others.

The ceremonies finally drew to a close with the first pitch thrown out by some of Boston's greatest champions in the three other major sports Richard Seymour, Tedy Bruschi, Bill Russel, and Bobby Orr.

Don Orsillo closed the proceedings by saying that we now have to "turn the page" on this Red Sox championship and begin the 2005 home season. But let us never forget what was accomplished, what was vanquished, and what it meant.

***********************************************************************************

Now please allow me to deviate from this sentimentalism and poke some fun at what went on this afternoon. I loved this ceremony, but if you were just a casual sports fan tuning in to see the spectacle you would have thought that Red Sox nation had lost its collective mind. They drew this thing out for over an hour, while their most hated and most recently defeated rivals sat in their dugout and watched, almost bemused by the grandeur of it all. Joe Torre sat on the top step of the dugout, with A-Rod close by and a host of other players, all standing quietly, and in the background you could see Brian Cashman, looking petrified that George might suddenly call and tell him he's fired for allowing this to happen on his watch.

After all was said and done with the ring and banner ceremony the Red Sox did an odd thing. They announed the entirety of the Yankee team, including coaches, bat boys, and the traveling secretary. What the point of this was I cannot even begin to speculate, but it did result in about 5 minutes of straight booing with two breaks.

The first break came early when the fans in attendance seemed to show that maybe something has changed in our mentality. After the bat boys and the traveling secretary the first introductee was Joe Torre who received a nice round of applause. Was this the sign of a kinder gentler Red Sox nation, or just that maybe we've developed enough class now to appreciate a fellow class act? I don't know, but as I sat there fearing a classless "Yankees suck! Yankees suck!" chant during the ring presentation I never imagined that the faithful would show a such an appropriate degree of respect.

Of course A-Rod and Jeter were booed, but Yankee fans boo Ramirez, Damon, and Ortiz, so that's expected. What may have been the funniest moment in the entire day came when Mariano Rivera was introduced and greeted with a loud long cheer based of course on his recent struggles. To his credit Rivera handled it like a pro, and actually tipped his cap to the Red Sox fans, much to the delight of his already chuckling Yankee teammates.

All in all it seemed as though the edge that comes with the Yankees and the Sox was off, just for a moment, as if both teams and Sox fans took a deep breath and gave just one respectful nod to the other side. By watching the ceremony the Yankees seemed to be saying that the Red Sox had earned their time by beating them and that they were content to sit patiently and wait for another chance at redemption. And Red Sox fans by cheering Torre said that they can recognize the class and ability of one of the greats, even if he does wear pin-stripes.

This was a great day for the Red Sox, and for Red Sox fans, and we will be able to look back on this day as a fitting tribute and a fitting end to one of the great sports stories of our or any generation.

A LEGENDARY SUNDAY

Phil putting on an Daytime Emmy worthy performance.

He's the Master...wow that's cheesy

Tiger won it on 16 with perhaps the greatest clutch golf shot since Jack's 80 footer on that same green decades ago. But then, in very un-Tiger fashion he forgot to bury the dagger.

After chipping in from impossible position, just on the edge of the second cut 35 feet from the pin with a green that would rival most ski mountains in slope and most parking lots in firmness, Woods hit three of the worst shots you will ever see from him on 17. His drive started out right and kept bleeding until it was nearly on the 15th fairway. Then his second shot, over a huge tree came up 15 yards short. His chip didn't quite have enough and eventually settled 10 yards short. When DiMarco tapped in for par and Woods settled for a bogey the lead was 1 with 1 to play, still insurmountable right?

On 18 Tiger's drive found the rough and his second shot found the bunker. Meanwhile DiMarco cooly drove it down the middle but then, as all Master's runner-ups do, forgot that you have to reach the pin at 18 on the fly or you'll be 10 yards off the front of the green by the time it stops rolling.

On the green the stage was set. Tiger had 10 feet to win the Masters and you knew it was going in, it didn't matter that DiMarco still had to chip from off the green, Tiger was going to roll it and the rest would be history. Except no one told DiMarco and he almost won the whole damn thing and would have if his chip had checked up a little and was able to drop instead of rimming off the right edge of the cup. It was almost one of the most amazing moments in golf, but regardless Tiger had the gimmie 10 footer to win. But apparently no one gave Tiger the script either and he missed the putt badly to the left.

Was it possible that the greatest closer, the man who never takes his foot off your neck when you are down blew a 2 stroke lead with two to play? It was possible and Woods and DiMarco headed back to the 18th tee to start the sudden death playoff.

Somewhere along that narrow fairway, during the reverse walk ironically and symbolically away from the adoring galleries, Tiger became the old Tiger again. His drive was perfect, his second shot was safely on over the slope and DiMarco opened the door a second time by coming up short in almost the exact same spot. Normally you don't survive opening the door for Tiger once, DiMarco certainly could not have hoped to survive it twice. This time Tiger did what he should have done the first time, he drilled the put right into the center of the cup with such confidence that had he missed the ball would have stopped 20 feet past. It didn't matter, there was no way Tiger was letting this one slip away.

Now in the aftermath of a classic finish get yourself prepared to see Tiger's chip on 16 a zillion times this week and every Masters week forever. It is now in the pantheon of greatest clutch golf shots ever with Jack's long one and the fairway chip to win it all years ago by a guy whose name escapes me.

Long term it will also be the only thing anyone remembers about this year's Masters, which it deserves. But it's too bad that no one will remember Chris DiMarco simply refusing to give in to the overwhelming pressure that comes from playing with Tiger on Sunday at Augusta. No one will remember that DiMarco would have won if his rim tickling chip on 18 had gone down. No one will remember that at one point Tiger birdied 7 in a row. Nor will they remember how badly he wanted and needed this win for himself and to silence the doubters. And most of all no one will remember that Tiger actually choked away a 3 stroke final round lead and 2 with 2 to play. All we will see, forever, is that chip.

Try to name five plays in your lifetime that you saw and said, "I will be seeing that on highlights forever." (Sidenote: if at this point anyone references Aaron "Bleeping" Boone you will end up on the business end of my size 11.)

Oddly enough, on my list there are actually two golf shots. Lefty's putt to win last year's Masters and obviously Tiger's chip. Three others: Jordan's shot over Ehlo, Montana to Clark, Laetner to beat Kentucky and sure it makes six but Joe Carter's home run to win the World Series. Maybe I should make this a top 10 so I can include Vinatieri and some of the Sox plays from last year's ALCS, but then I would have to include Boone so forget it.

Now if I can just degenerate into some tabloid yahoo smut for minute I'd love to point out another reason I feel bad for DiMarco tonight. The last thing you need the world to see, while you're fighting your ass off for the championship of a lifetime against possibly the best ever, is alternating shots between Tiger's amazing super-model wife and your wife looking frazzled trying to keep three kids under 10 in line and not have a heart attack because of what you might be about to do. Not the finest moment for Ms. DiMarco or for Chris's respect amongst the boys. Buy my God how hot is Tiger's girl?

Good thing we gave this up...

For a big fat "wanna be" Yankee.

Okay, I gave David Wells the start in New York as a freebie. It was his former stadium, he had really wanted to return there anyway, and it was opening night on a huge stage.

Now the party is over and I'm out of freebies.

3 homeruns to Vernon Wells (dropped from my fantasy team of course), Corey Koskie, and Shea Hillenbrand, 6 runs, and 6 1/3 innings later the "Fat Bastard" was saddled with his second straight loss, this time to a massively inferior opponent.

And as if his performance was not enough Wells tossed this gem after the game, "You've got to get the bad ones out of the way, I guess."

What in the hell does that mean? That you are now going to turn it around and be great for the rest of the season because you stunk for two games and purged your system of futility? This isn't like trying to find a good melon at the grocery store, you don't sift through the bad to get to the good, you come out and perform like a veteran who wants to be here not an out of shape alcoholic who wishes he was in pin-stripes.

This guy needs to get his shit together and stop pouting about being rejected by New York.

Rivera

I'm aware that I'm a few days late and many dollars short on this one but what kind of biased homer would I be if I didn't at least mention that the Red Sox absolutely own the pride and joy of the Yankee pitching staff and one of the greatest closers of all time.

I know we've all been bombarded with stats about Rivera's recent futility against the Sox so I'll spare the repeats, but I can't go without mentioning the ESPN poll which asked who you would rather be in the bottom of the 9th with the score Yankees 4 Red Sox 3, the Red Sox batting or the Yankees with Rivera on the mound. Almost 60% of the the 70,000 people who voted chose the Red Sox batting. I know it's not an overwhelming majority but remember that we're talking about a guy that used to be the most feared pitcher in the game. There are still ex-players that hear "Sandman" in their nightmares (Rivera's entrance music at Yankee stadium which I've only heard once, at the end of game 7 of the ALCS with the Sox up 7 and it was still pretty intimidating).

Perhaps this text message exchange between the Slant and my most pig-headed Yankee loving friend Waddy says it best.

Me: It must be scary for you to realize that the Sox own Rivera.
Waddy: TRUE!

PS: Pictures etc. will return as soon as I get this thing re-configured, which likely won't be until the end of the weekend, fucking bartender's hours.

G H G H 123456

Sorry, I'm just real excited to have my computer back and functioning again. G H G H now lowercase, g h g h : " @#! Oh the things I can do, like typing the word high, or Michigan, or even highly gregarious.

It's true you don't really appreciate what you have until it's gone.

I promise to be nicer to you Gateway, I'll feed you and walk you and whisper sweet nothings into your new hard drive and I'll never let you get damaged again.

Okay this is the weirdest post ever.

ABANDON SHIP!!

Just kidding.

The Red Sox lost the perverbial "Game 8" last night in the Bronx, and lo throughout the land Red Sox loyalists are hurling themselves from rooftops.

Please let us remember that there are 161 games left to play and that in all actuality the Yankees had much more to prove last night than the Red Sox. Think about it, the last time the Bombers walked off that field they had just committed the greatest collapse in sports history and were forced to watch their most hated rivals celebrating in their house for over an hour. They were also debuting Randy Johnson, one of the great pitchers of our era while facing David Wells a former mate (who had in fact shamed the Yankee organization with his ridiculous book). And most of all they needed a win to appease a rabid and wounded fan base. If you think the reaction to this loss in Red Sox nation is bad, double it add to it a recent heartbreaking collapse and that's what it would have been like if the Sox had pounded Johnson and trounced the Yanks 9-2.

So relax, this team is going to win a lot of games. The Yankees are going to win a lot too, but the sky is not falling yet.

That being said...

David Wells looked like a wolf in sheep's clothing last night. I will not give fodder to the idea of an embedded Yankee in Red Sox camp, but that performance raised a lot of eyebrows. The balk, which cost them a run, was especially awful. He just looked lost and overwhelmed and like he really would rather have been sitting in the other dugout.

In other news Johnny Damon is a moron. After his pitiful performance in center field last night he had this to say on the death of the Pope, "It's unfortunate. He (the Pope) was an awesome guy."

Also on Damon's docket today was a Barnes and Noble book signing and a visit to Regis and Kelly. Apparently they pet him like a dog for ten minutes, asked if it was his real hair, suggested that he was some type of athlete, then Kelly blew him while Regis watched and then Johnny wrote a book about it. Someone please tell this idiot to get his head on straight, they are in New York to play the Yankees not to make a stop on a publicity tour.

And finally, I quote half of Red Sox nation on several occasions last night as ground balls to short turned into baserunners, "Cabrera would have made that play."

Welcome to life in "post-curse" Boston.

One Last Time

I just want to remember one last time, before it's over forever, that the Red Sox won the World Series this season, which in two hours turns into last season.

It's almost as if I do not even want this season to start, because as soon as it does last season no longer means anything. As soon as Randy Johnson throws the first pitch of the 2005 season we can't just look at Yankee fans and laugh at their pathetic little team, we have to hate them and fear them all over again.

162+ games from now, maybe I'll be writing REPEAT in the blog title line, or maybe I'll be writing BITTER REDEMPTION, but no matter what I'm writing there will never again be anything like the greatest comeback in sports history, the destruction of the curse, and the humanization of the evil empire.

It's sad to put this season in the rear view mirror, but if we got to gloat forever about past victories we wouldn't be real fans, we'd be Yankee fans.