The All Boredom Team

And the winner is...

Today's 11 AM Sportscenter may as well have been the Tim Duncan show. It was all the analysts could do to contain their awe, with good reason, at his performance in yesterday's game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. 28, 15, and 4. Huge numbers, especially when you consider his injured ankle and his arduous defensive assignments, including Amare Stoudemire. While I was impressed by his stats, and especially his 11 crucial 4th quarter points, I couldn't stop thinking that Duncan was without a doubt the most boring super star in the NBA if not all professional sports...

Which got me wondering, who are the most boring stars in sports today?

NBA:
This is the easiest by far. Duncan's numbers are Hall of Fame caliber and then some. Since being selected first in 1997 in 586 games Duncan has averaged 22.5 points, 12.2 rebounds, and 3.1 assists. His shooting percentage is .507, an ungodly number even for a center. He shoots free throws at nearly 70%, and averages almost 40 minutes a game. In his 8 seasons as a pro he has been named to an all NBA team every year, a feat only bested by Larry Bird who was chosen 9 times in his first 9 seasons. If he retired today he would be in Springfield on May 24th 2010 unanimously.

Despite all that, he's just dull. His bread and butter move is catching the ball with his back to the basket on the left block, making some advance towards the basket by either squaring up or spinning to the lane, and hitting either a baby hook from 6 feet or a 10 foot bank shot. Unstopable, but boring as hell. He hardly ever dunks because he can't beat anyone off the dribble, and when he does jam it is an understated old-school flush with no flair. He hardly ever gets more than 6 inches off the floor, luckily at 7 feet he doesn't need to. On the defensive end he plays strong, effective, hands up defense. He blocks a fair amount of shots, 2.54 per game for his career, but his blocks are intelligent. He never swats the ball into the first row, he tips the ball to himself or to a teammate. Off the court he is quiet and respectful, never in the news or flanked by an Iversonesque entourage. He is well spoken and says the right thing, probably because he wants to, not because it's the party line. In short he is a coach's dream, and is the opposite of all that is wrong with the NBA, and NBA fans. He will never be appreciated for the player he is precisely because of the traits that make him great. NBA insiders and Spurs fans will always recognize his greatness, but to the average fan he is the crown jewel of boring super stars.

GOLF:
When you are the most boring super star in the world's most stuffy and gentelmanly game you know that you are really really boring. Vijay Singh is a quiet assassin on the golf course, but he plays the game with literally no personality or fire. Coming into this season Vijay was ranked number 1 in the World Golf Rankings, a crown once thought to be perfmanently affixed to the head of Tiger Woods. He has 27 PGA tour victories, 22 internationl victories, 5 President's Cup appearances, one Master's title and 2 PGA Championships. This season he is number 1 on the money list, and he lead the tour in earnings in both 2003 and 2004. The older he gets the better he seems to play. Since 2003 he has won 16 times and has amassed 41 top 10 finishes. At one point he finished in the top 10 in 12 consecutive events and is one of only 6 golfers to win 9 or more tournaments in one season.

Despite his astronomical achievements over the past 2+ seasons he is nowhere near the pantheon of Woods, Mickelson, and Els in terms of fan support, endorsements, or overall interest. Why? Because he is a machine. His work ethic is legendary. Other golfers marvel at the amount of time he spends on the range and his intense off season workouts have reached mythical status on the PGA rumor mill. On the course he rarely makes a peep, except to allegedly call out Phil Mickelson. When he makes a good shot there is no smiling, no fist pumping, seemingly no reaction at all. When he makes a bad shot the stone face remains. He is like Ivan Drago, the Russain from Rocky IV. You marvel at his strength and ability but the idea of sitting down to lunch with him is as appealing as the Russian winter. Golf is not a self sustaining entity like football, it requires side stories outside of yardages and wind speed to hold the average viewer. The game, as a spectator sport, is not intriguing enough to the average Sunday viewer to subsist on it's own. Super stars and their stories are what drive the marketability of the tour, without them attendance would plummet and TV ratings would disappear. A tour full of Vijays would be a tour destined to play to empty courses and itchy channel changing fingers. That's why you only hear about his numbers, in a sport already bogged down by technicalities his is the definition of mechanical, and therefore too boring.

MLB:
This one is a little bit tougher. There are a few names that immediately come to mind, but I'm going to go with the first name that popped into my head, Greg Maddux. In his 19 years Maddux's career has been defined by one word, and even it is a boring word: location. The basis of his success has been that he can move the ball inside and out, up and down with such exact control that each hitter's weak zones can be exploited. As a result Maddux has accumulated fantastic numbers, 307 wins, a career 2.96 ERA, 17 consecutive seasons with 15 or more wins, 105 complete games, 34 shutouts, only 882 walks in 4236 innings, opponents are hitting .245 against him with an on base percentage of only .289, their slugging is .345, and their OPS is a shockingly low .630. Twice in his career he has had a season ERA under 2.0. His overall winning percentage is .636. Once again, Hall of Fame numbers.

Maddux, like Duncan, is boring because of what he does so well. As fans we like to see 98 mph fastballs and 14 strikeouts over 7 innings. We never see that from him. He has often been compared to a surgeon because of his exacting control, patience with hitters, and ability to exploit every weakness to his advantage. If he walks a batter it is probably intentional and he is regularly at the bottom of the league in terms of batters hit by pitch. His mechanics are simple and compact, his leg kick is low, his arm slot is normal, and he finishes in the best fielding position of any pitcher in the last century (as evidenced by his multiple gold gloves). Maddux has never tossed an elderly man to the ground nor has he pointed to his head to tell an opposing catcher to watch it. He has no stare, no intimidation, and worst of all he frequently wears glasses on the mound. The simplicity of his game can be summed up by the fact that he credits his success to finger pressure he exerts on the ball upon release causing it to sink. He is so boring that I actually can't think of a single funny thing to say about him. He'll be laughing all the way to Cooperstown, but nonetheless he stands at the top of baseballs most boring super stars.

NFL:
Since I'm limiting this list to super stars I'm going to stay away from any Patriots player for this category. They, as a team are boring to anyone outside of New England. Since I live here I think they're fascinating, but they don't even have a single star worth mentioning. In their stead I will choose one of their favorite victims, Marvin Harrison. Although recently involved in a fight with alleged autograph seekers Harrison is usually the quiet, underappreciated cog in the Colts offensive wrecking crew. Peyton gets the glory, Reggie Wayne celebrates in the end zone, Harrison rings up huge numbers. Sine 1996 he has accounted for 845 receptions (93.8 per season), 11,185 yards (1243 per season), 98 touchdowns (10.8 per season), 13.2 yards per catch, and has missed only 5 games. Harrison has been the go to guy in football's best offense for so long that it is so routine to watch him beat double teams that he hardly gets credit for it anymore. Unlike other members of this illustrious club, he often makes the spectacular catch, one handed, end line tap dancing type grabs that defy physics. So why then is Harrison so boring?

Perhaps it isn't entirely his fault. He is overshadowed by the most highly regarded quarterback in the league. His personality is diminutive and quiet, his touchdowns are celebrated by everyone but him. He has never pulled a cell phone from the goal post, mooned cheese heads, grabbed pom poms, or had any writing implements on his person. Maybe the fact that he is boring is more of an indictment of Joe Horn, Randy Moss, and T.O.. Whatever the reason, people show up and tune in to see big name receivers who have substantially less statistical backing than Harrison, more to see what they'll do if they score, not how they score. Regardless, it is interesting to watch the Colt's machine move up and down the field on everyone but New England, but it isn't Harrison's heroics that keep us watching. As for his spectacular catches, the reason he gets minimal credit for them is that he makes them look easy. What is physically impossible for the Freddy Mitchell's of the world is a walk in the park for someone of Harrison's ability, so to us it looks less spectacular, and his lack of flair makes the total package rather vanilla.

COACHING:
Giving this award to Bill Belichick would be like giving the MVP to Jordan every year in the '90s. He should have gotten it, but didn't because the media wanted to keep it interesting. Since we all know that Bill is quite possibly the most boring human being in the world, sports not withstanding, I'll call this the "Belichick Award for Second Most Boring Coach". My choice here may seem a little off but I have a reason so please read on. Phil Jackson. Once again his stats are unquestionable. He is tied with Red Auerbach for the most championships as a head coach with 9, 6 with the Bulls and 3 with the Lakers. He could pretty much point his finger at a job and it would be his. He has been mentioned in connection with the coaching vacancies of the Knicks, Cavs, and Lakers. Jackson is in that rarified air of people that can pick and choose when and if they want to work, and if they so choose the red carpet and the millions are rolled out to match.

What makes Jackson boring to me is that I just can't figure out what he does. Everyone talks about this triangle offense that has won him 9 rings, how long does that take to implement in practice, a week, a month? He never calls timeouts at the junctures where all coaches call timeouts, he prefers to let his teams play out of their dry spells, a policy that works sometimes but more often than not forces him to call a timeout later at a more desperate time. He hardly says anything during the games, and sits on the sideline for the majority of the game, legs folded, face placid. Not to mention that Jackson has been blessed with perhaps 3 of the 5 best players in the last 15 years in Jordan, Kobe, and Shaq. It seems like he is more of a passenger of his teams trains to glory than the driver. Maybe there are all sorts of things that I don't know about that go on in the background, but how much teaching is done when you are at helm of a veteran team that has already had great success in the years before your arrival? I just don't see Phil as a guy who tailors a strategy around what he has to work with and who is able to milk the very best from a group of players. He is more of a Jaguar repairman. His machines run to great success on their own because of superior building, all he has to do is troublshoot now and again and they continue to sail. Set it and let it run is not interesting coaching to me, and that makes Phil boring in my opinion. Besides who really buys that Zen ooddooo vooodooo crap anyway?

Mike Scioscia of the Angels was a close second in this voting, but I went with Phil because I don't think you can call Scioscia a super star by any means. If he had won a few championships it would be a land slide, the man is simply stone faced all the time, I don't think I've ever seen him move any part of his body from the neck up and that includes speaking and breathing. His interviews are a small step up in terms of interest from Belichick's and that still puts him in the Chia-Pet category of boredom.

NHL:
Can one player be more boring than another when the entire league hasn't played in a year and may never again return to the United States? No. The only player I exclude from this list is Joe Thornton formerly of the Bruins because his Swiss team won the Swiss professional championship and in the parade they dressed him up like a freaking king, flowing glistening robe and all. Robes are cool i.e. not boring.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Todd Helton: Not his fault that he's been on a terrible team in Colorado. Career .337 hitter who just takes the abuse of losing day after day. Speak up and get your ass out of there while you still have some lead in your pencil Todd!

Keith Foulke: Always looks bored or scared. They alternate, when he's pitching he looks scared, when they win he looks bored. Repeat.

Ben Wallace: Rebounding and defense are boring, period.

Reteif Goosen: South African version of Vijay.

Priest Holmes: Ridiculous numbers, sporatically good team = boring.

BC Basketball: See Seton Hall post from February, BORING!


* If the irony of this post is lost on you then you my friend are as much a part of the problem as the athletes whose behavior relegates these stars to the backburner of sports coverage due to their adherance to the rules of society.