Never have callers to Boston Sports Radio WEEI's "Whiner Line" been so excited. In the last week 2 Boston franchises have given them more rhythmic fodder than has existed in New England sports since everyone started saying Nomahh!
First Coco Crisp. Do I even need to explain this?
"Coco Crisp? More like Fruity Pebbles. You suck!"
"Not looking too Crisp out there today Coco! Should we call Count Chocula to come help you? You suck!"
"Coco! You're making me loco! You suck!"
It doesn't actually matter how well Coco plays overall. If he starts slow, goes into a slump of any kind, or God forbid pulls a Jose Offerman on us the Yahoos will be licking their chops and busting out their dictionaries looking for words that rhyme with Coco and Crisp, and in their spare time they'll scanning grocery store aisles for more cereal puns. I wonder if he has any idea what he's in for, or if anyone in the Red Sox front office will talk to him about it. Maybe that will be Ben and Jed's new job.
"Listen, Coco, ahh we know you're a good player and we think you'll do really well here but there's just this one thing."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah...um..this town tends to take on a certain...lyrical tone to their ranting and raving if your name is predisposed to such activity if you know what I mean."
"Huh?"
"Well, you know how your name kind of reminds some people, not us of course, but some people, of a cereal...hey listen just never turn on AM radio. That's all we're saying, go get 'em Captain Crunch!"
This situation will not be helped in any way by the fact that Coco is coming in on the heels of Johnny Damon the best Red Sox leadoff hitter of my lifetime (and fans crucified even him at the beginning of last season). Coco's a good player but the deck is marginally stacked against him. In the chaos that followed the Theo mess, Damon's departure, and the failure to sign a single quality free-agent Coco's name became the end-all-be-all of this offseason. All of the fan's attention has been paid to his acquisition as Damon's replacement and as the cornerstone of this offseason. That seems like a lot of pressure to put on .287 career hitter who's more of a speed and complimentary player than an offensive stronghold. It will take a career year from the cereal king to stay out of the collective dog house.
Next, we move to the Celtics and their recent additions, Michael Olowokandi and Wally Szczerbiak. (I am really glad I don't write much about the Celtics, I have no interest in typing those names twice a week.) Luckily for Olowokandi he stinks so badly, (come on the Timberwolves looked at Marc Blount as an upgrade compared to him) that he will rarely see more than the 4 minutes of playing time he got tonight. When Blount (and his nightmarish contract) is considered a trade-worthy commodity in comparison to your inability well...that is a white-glove-across-the-face insult if ever one has existed. I read an e-mail from a Wolves fan when the trade was made that said, "You have never seen a stiff like Olowokandi, Shawn Bradley was twice the player and more athletic than this kid." Ouch. His lack of playing time will save him from the following, or worse...
"Hey Michael! The last time I saw someone with the name Kandi suck that much I woke up outside Reno with an empty wallet! You suck!"
Wally Szczerbiak will be a greater challenge to the collective creativity of the Boston masses. First, he averages about 20 points per game which is not at all shabby and is certainly not begging for criticism. Second, the words vacuum and orange are easier to rhyme and lyricize (not a word I know) than Szczerbiak. Rather than his last name, Wally's probably going to get it for his rather wimpish surname. Unfortunately for him, he shares the title with another Boston figure often considered light in the loafers, Wally the Green Monster, the Red Sox mascot who has been launched to fame by Jerry Remy. The Sox Wally has often been known to sit upside down in his chair in the booth with Don Orsillo and Remy when the Sox are on a losing streak for a change in luck. If Szczerbiak's not playing well in April...
"Hey Wally, this is Theo Epstein calling. We were wondering if you would consider coming back to work for us full time...at the request of the Celtics and their fans. The city as a whole thinks you fit in a little better here wearing a giant green head. Sorry is mats down your hair. Call me...or Ben and Jed, cause you know they're still really important too...I swear. You suck!"
All this great material and 2/3 of it is mired on a team that no one cares about and the other third doesn't take the field for 2 months. Well, looks like its more Theo jokes on the Big Show, between their 38 minute commercial breaks.
***********************************************************************************
One other quick note, I heard today that Bill Belichick is going to be on the Super Bowl pre-game show. When asked about the decision to take the gig Belichick said (I'm paraphrasing) that it would be a great opportunity to see the Super Bowl from another perspective.
Isn't that classic Belichick speak? He basically just said that he doesn't understand the Super Bowl from the perspective of a non-participant because the Patriots are have been in it so frequently but because of his monotone people pass it off as a serious comment regarding his lack of knowledge on how the game is covered. Do you think he has missed a second of Super Bowl coverage in his 50-odd years of life? Not likely, I imagine he has a pretty firm grasp of the game from all angles. That was a dig that is getting no credit and might actually be the funniest thing 'Ol Stonewall has ever said in the media.
I personally can't wait for this. It's going to be some of the most awkward comedy in the history of sports coverage. I don't know who ABC is using for their pre-game show, I would imagine it's the ESPN guys give or take a few since they both fall under the Disney umbrella. Just picture this, Michael Irvin asks Belichick something in incomprehensible Irvin-ese and Belichick just looks at him, like he looks at reporters who ask about injured Patriots and says, "No," to whatever the question is. Then the camera stays on him for 10 seconds waiting for more (because it's a pre-game show and you have to say more...right?) until Chris Berman stops pointing and giggling at Irvin and saves us all from interminable dead air. Set your TiVo's now, it's going to be great.
"Coach, you think Ben Roethlisberger will feel the pressure tonight?"
"No."
No comments:
Post a Comment