I know that I've mentioned this already but annually between the Super Bowl and March Madness we enter the Dark Ages of sports. Thus, there was nothing better to watch on a cold soon to be snowy Sunday night than the Oscars...there really must have been something better...
I came to a decision tonight, there is only one way to watch the Oscars effectively and that is in a large group. You NEED to have something to talk about during the speeches, they are agonizing. I simply do not care about how deeply the Academy Award winning Sound Editor feels about the contributions of his staff, I don't and if you weren't on that staff it's pretty likely that you don't care either. Thank God I was lucky enough to be watching with helpful souls willing to distract me from my rage against the very idea of Antonio Banderas singing...EVER.
In terms of the actual awards I can't really say much about them. I haven't seen most of the nominated movies and to be honest I don't plan to. However, I was thrilled to see "Million Dollar Baby" clean up the big awards (actress, director, picture) over "Aviator" Here's why:
1. I hate Leonardo DiCaprio. I don't know why, it's totally irrational, maybe it's his involvement with "Titanic", maybe it's because he was almost able to ruin one of the best Hollywood stories of all time in "Catch Me If You Can", maybe it's the fact that he looks like the biggest, whiniest, Hollywood worm. I just can't stand him. I don't want to hear about "Basketball Diaries" that was a million years ago and he was a different guy then.
2. I am against simply giving the Oscar to the "biggest" movie of the year, and I mean biggest in several senses. Of course it should go to one of the more financially successful movies, if the film didn't make it in theaters chances are it isn't worthy of the award. However, I'm referring more to the recent Hollywood trend of giving the Best Picture award to the biggest spectacle film rather than the legitimate best. See: "Gladiator". (Yes, I know "The Return of the King" which I am nerdishly *not a word* obsessed with won last year, but to a dork like me that was legit.) I also use biggest to refer to the film with the biggest buzz about its release. Just because everyone says pre-release that it's a sure-fire Oscar candidate does not mean that it should ultimately win. Finally, biggest names do not guarantee the biggest results. Hillary Swank is no B list relegate, but her name carries less weight than that dink Leo.
3. I hate Leonardo DiCaprio, yes it gets a second mention, yes it deserves it.
Other things from Oscars '05:
- Where was everyone? There were empty seats all over the place, what was the pre-show gram laced with laxitives or were the seat fillers on strike?
- Chris Rock blasting the Hollywood B-list is a hell of a lot funnier than Billy Crystal's usual song and dance, which always makes me vaguely uncomfortable in that Uncle Earl sort of way.
- Was that really weird Adam Sandler Chris Rock monologue planned or did Catherine Zeta Jones not come out because she got her hand stuck in Michael Douglas' grease mop backstage?
- That crazy looking Johnny Depp statue they put in his seat...wait you mean that was really Johnny Depp?
- If I never see Halle Berry's "acceptance nervous breakdown" again it will be far too soon. Why did they feel the need to re-run it twice?
- Selma Hayek, the Lifetime Achievement Award winner's daughter...what do they have in common...ask your boyfriend that you forced to watch with you, believe me he'll know.
- Antonio Banderas moonlighting as the lounge singer from the Palms, all he was missing was the cigarette burning in the ash-try and the snifter of scotch.
- Beyonce will sing anything, anywhere, if you put enough bling on her. That was actually her dressed up as the crazy guy from the Counting Crows with the fake dreds. Is she really that hot right now that we need to see her sing ALL of the female parts in the best song nominees?
- Giving out awards in the audience is weird...giving out an award in an opera box is really really freakin' weird, what was that!?
- The classic awkward "man aisle pass" when the winner of one of the "audience" awards was seated (whose idea was this?) on the inside of one of the losing nominees, and then had to very awkwardly pass him on his way out of the aisle to accept the award. How awful is that, you lose the Oscar then you have to stand up and have the entire world watch the winner rub either his ass or his junk on your crotch on the way to collect the trophy you didn't win. Maybe he could make out with your girl and stomp on your dog while he's at it.
- And last but not least, the cruelty shown by the writers in suggesting, as they headed to commercial, that Natalie Portman would be on in the next segment and then not having her glorious appearance take place until an hour later. You don't do that to straight men who watch the Oscars, we obviously don't have much going on anyway if we're watching, don't add insult to injury by toying with us.
Thank God BC is playing tomorrow night...did I really just write all that about the Oscars...oh I'm ashamed...
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