What If Weekend

If you are an NFL fan lucky enough to live in a city with a competitive team most likely this is your, "What If Weekend." The formulas involved in calculating what needs to take place for your team to make the playoffs rival the algorithms that are used to break down genetic code, and are far beyond this simple english major's mental capacities.

Instead of going down the, "The Broncos get in if the Steelers and Chiefs both tie at exactly 21.3 points each and their cheerleaders engage in one bathroom sex act in Carolina," path the B-Slant is going to make up it's own "What Ifs" and logic be damned.

What if San Diego shocks the experts and beats Indy?

2 things will happen if the Chargers knock of "D-Caf" and the Colts. 1. My dream scenario where the Colts go undefeated through the rest of the regular season, get the first round bye and have the play the Patriots in the divisional game only to subsequently lay the biggest egg ever on the biggest stage ever cementing once and for all who the team of the decade really is, will be ruined.
2. Sean Salisbury will hang himself with Mark Schlereth's tie. 2a. Not one regular starter will play next week at Seattle on either team if the Seahawks have NFC home field wrapped up. The resulting game will be among the most boring 60 minutes in the history of football, Tony Dungee will actually slip into a coma at one point.

What if Pittsburgh beats Minnesota?

The Brad Johnson School of Scientology will be disbanded after just 6 weeks of practicing religion. To Daunte Culpepper the idea of sitting in court all day on misdemeanor charges won't seem to bad. And the cosmos will be realigned to support rational thought.

What if Minnesota beats Pittsburgh?

Satan himself will emerge from the depths of Hell to take the second of Brad Johnson's souls that are now indebted to him. Vikings fans will say, "Eh, it was worth it." Ben Rothlisberger will be seen with books of dark magic, a 6 pointed star, and Johnson's phone number. If that fails he will charter a boat.

What if Tom Brady does not play against Tampa?

Mass suicide attempts will be reported around Massachusetts. The name Doug Flutie will call a few potential jumpers back from the ledge but then they will remember that he is 104 years old and will then light themselves on fire instead. Corey Dillon will carry the ball 44 times, for 88 yards against the Bucs new "11 on the line" defense. The final score of the game will be Chris Simms 7 Patriots 0. Those who attempted suicide and failed will try again realizing that the Dolphins have still not been eliminated.

What if the 49ers beat the Jaguars and the Lions beat the Bengals?

Almost every playoff scenario you read in the AFC involves these two teams beating their meager NFC competition. If they lose everything gets thrown up in the air for Pittsburgh, San Diego, KC, and Denver. If the Bengals win they clinch the AFC North, if the Jags win and everyone else (except the Bengals) loses they clinch a wild-card spot. What would I make of my balance of power argument (the AFC far ahead of the NFC) if the worst of the AAA conference came in and beat 2 of the alleged class of the AFC? Not much. Just like how much of a chance there is that this will happen. Not much.

What's the only thing that could make Daunte Culpepper's year worse?

The Vikings win the Super Bowl without him, leading all the mid-west racists that have called for his head for years to literally lynch him onto a giant Brad Johnson statue in his front yard. Seriously though, a terrible performance, a year ending injury, a resurgent team in his absence, and now legal charges. I would trade places with most NFL players in a heartbeat. Not Daunte though. This is not really a what if, is it?

What if I basically ran out of steam on this post long before I planned to? Then it would end here. Maybe more later.