Week 13

"So this is what it's like to get close to a QB..."

In the NFL there is nothing like a visit from the Jets, who actually have more players (10) on injured reserve than the Patriots (9) to make your defense look effective. The Patriots were hardly impressive on Sunday, beating quite possibly the worst team in the NFL on this side of Texas by a slim margin of 16-3. But it's still a W and one step closer to the illustrious AFC East title.

Last week I wrote that I had watched the entirety of the Saints v. Jets game on Sunday night and had subsequently written to the NFL demanding 3 hours of my life back. After watching yesterday's game if I was not a Patriots fan I would be doubling that demand to 6 hours. This game was dull to say the least.

The conditions were bad, the Pats offense moved but hardly scored, the Jets offense (behind one of the worst quarterbacks I've ever seen professionally) could not even score a touchdown on the second worst defense in the NFL, and the announcers slowly devoured your ears with their innane commentary throughout. All in all, not a banner display for the NFL.

On the positive the defense did play better, albeit against utterly inferior competition, allowing only 164 yards of total offense (after allowing over 394 for the last four games) and holding the Jets to just 3 points. They mounted a consistent pass rush and the holes in the secondary seemed smaller, although much of that can likely be pinned on the ineffectiveness of Brooks Bollinger. The offense actually amassed good yardage numbers on the day with 397 yards of total offense despite thier inability to get the ball into the endzone. Also, the running game returned to form a bit with a committee of rushers combining for 146 yards. Were this game against anyone but the Jets it would have been an impressive performance. Regardless it is crucial to take care of business at this time of the season and that's precisely what the Patriots did, although not in terribly exciting fashion.

With an utter absence of highlights from this contest the only moments I can relate are instances of pure shock or amusement. In the first quarter the Jets tried a long pass down the left sideline intended for Keenan McCardell, Ellis Hobbs was on the "coverage". So there they are streaking down the sideline the ball is in the air McCardell is looking over his shoulder for it, eyeing it, making it painfully obvious that the ball has been thrown his way and Ellis Hobbs is just jogging along like he's out for a Sunday workout along the Charles not glancing back towards the pass or apparently even wondering if the ball had been thrown. The pass was badly overthrown but McCardell watched it the whole way, even as it skipped along the ground. Hobbs never saw it and probably to this moment is unaware that the ball was even thrown in his direction. Further proof of my theory that I'd rather be lucky than good.

The second moment came from CBS's color man Randy Cross. I don't know much about Randy Cross but he's going on the list of TV analysts who I cannot believe continue to find employment with major networks. This gem came from the second quarter. The Jets kicked the ball away to the Patriots who then committed two holding penalties on the return, one by Troy Brown. The Jets accepted the Troy Brown penalty because holding is penalized from the spot of the foul and Brown's offense took place further into their on territory than the other. After the referee finished announcing the call Cross wondered aloud, "Now why did they accept the one on Troy Brown, is it because he has seniority?" This was followed by an awkward five seconds of silence at which point the lead announcer took over and changed the subject and every football fan in America said to someone sitting next to them, "It's because holding is from the spot of the foul you ass!"

The next moment of note from this game was yet another liguistic foul up this time by the head referee. For the majority game he had this expression on his face that looked like a mixture of confusion and tired amusement, as though he found the calls he was delivering vaguely puzzling and humorous, especially the triple penalty (more on this later). On this particular play the Pats got to Brooks Bollinger and forced a wild throw to the right which was immediately flagged by an offical for intentional grounding, however, there was a receiver within the vicinity of the ball so the flag was picked up. This is how the ref explained it, "There is no intentional grounding on the play. The receiver was in the area... of the vicinity... of where the ball was thrown." Hmmm....

And finally, the triple penalty. This was one of those classic moments that makes you shake your head and wonder if it wouldn't be easier to take up knitting on Sundays instead of football. The play started out well with the Patriots recovering a Bollinger fumble. Then as the play ended it seemed as though every official on the field threw a flag at someone, there was yellow flying everywhere. The referees conferred for a few moments and then with nothing short of a smirk on his face the head referee delivered the news: a fifteen yard personal foul on the Patriots, a 10 yard holding penalty on the Patriots, and a fifteen yard personal foul on the Jets. By rule the penalties offset and it basically becomes a do-over. So, by rule 2 teams can account for 40 penalty yards on one play and they wipe it clean and say, "Eh, just try it again." What are we playing touch football at recess? It's as if the NFL doesn't want anyone to remember the ugly plays like that so they wipe them off the record and turn back time hoping we'll forget.

On a less ridiculous note as a result of this three field goals yesterday Adam Vinatieri is the new all time points leader in Patriots history, passing radio announcer Gino Cappeletti. The man has brought so much glory to this organization (despite the Papa Ginos, "It's good!" ads) that he deserves the be on the record books. For me, and fans of this generation he will always be the quintessential kicker for the Pats even if he were to retire today. He's already a legend and it's fitting that he should be so statistically as well.

************************************************************************************

More NFL:

- Oh Buffalo.... A 21 point first quarter lead, a 23 to 3 halftime lead....over the Dolphins, that's right the Dolphins. You poor poor Bills fans. Remember when you came back to beat the Oilers in the '92 playoffs after being down 35-3 at the half? This was kind of like that (okay it's nothing like that...) except for unlike the '92 Bills the Dolphins are awful. However, like your comeback led by Frank Reich this comeback was led by Sage Rosenfels... ouch. With the win the Dolphins are now just 2 games back of the Patriots for the AFC East lead. Try to tell that to someone with a straight face. This more or less puts the division in the bag for the Patriots, they have to go to Buffalo next week but now their lead is 3 over the Bills and while it is only 2 over the Dolphins the fish have to come to New England later this month and Miami is notriously awful in Foxboro in Decemeber. Plan the parade for the champions of the "New NFC North"...

- As the scores ticked by on the bottom of screen yesterday I noticed that the Colts were only beating the Titans 7-0 with 4 minutes to play in the half. I then excitedly said, "Hey look, the Titans are hanging with the Colts!" Sometimes I have the intellectual capacity of a five year old.

12-0 and the misery continues. Next person that says, "If you are a legitimate sports fan you should be rooting for the Colts to go 16-0," will be forced to move to Indianapolis and actually cheer for Peyton "D-Caf!" Manning with sincerity. Don't you remember the face he used to make when things were going wrong, blaming all his receivers, pouting, and looking like a spoiled little snot? How can you cheer for that. You know if they go undefeated it's going to be like the scene in Kingpin when Bill Murray wins the million dollar bowling game. "I'm above the law! Screw Tom Brady I am SOOOOOOOO much better than him now and everyone knowwwwwsss it! Whhheeeee!!!"

- As much as I hate them I refuse to believe that the Colts are using mics in their dome to amplify crowd noise...unless Archie Manning is the one flipping the switch. Which raises the question, would he use the crowd noise on Eli if they met in the dome?

- In the best game of the day the Bengals beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh. This has to be the legitimizing win for Cincinnati. The rest of their schedule is laden with cupcakes and their road is paved to 12-4 and a first round bye. This was definitely capped by the, "How the heck did he catch that ball," play of the day. It's not describable just watch the highlight. Certainly a nice win for the Bengals but no celebration for Chad Johnson (and no fantasy points for me). I think we all needed a week off anyway, stop jinxing yourself Chad.

On the other side of the coin the Steelers may have cost themselves a playoff berth with yesterday's loss. There are only two spots up for grabs between the Chiefs, Chargers, Jaguars, and Steelers and right now Pittsburgh is sitting in the 8 spot, 2 spots out. Can you believe that the Patriots could possibly go 8-8 and play a home playoff game while 2 teams could go 11-5 and miss the dance? Is that parody or robbery?

One comedic moment about this game from NFL Primetime last night. Sean Salisbury said that he thought the defense was going to be the strength of the Bengals heading into the playoffs. Ah Sean, they just gave up 31 points to the Steelers with Roethlisberger throwing the ball without a thumb. I hesitate to call that defensive strength.

- Carolina stomped on the Falcons yesterday, screwing up my defensive fantasy points, and ending their losing streak to Michael Vick. I actually didn't see a single second of this game (the only NFC team I've seen play this year is the Giants, every week we get the "closest market" game and unfortunately since NY is so close I have to watch Eli 16 times a year) but the highlights made it look like an utter demolishing. It might be time to slide Carolina into that "favorite in waiting" spot so they can be the team to beat when Seattle loses their first playoff game.

- Ladanian Tomilinson was held without a touchdown yesterday for the first time since the dawn of man. What do you think the chances were that he circled the Raiders game on the schedule as the game in which he would lose his NFL record streak? Probably about as likely as the Colts circling the Cardinals game in week 17 as a "trap game."

- Ryan Fitzpatrick, all I'm going to say buddy is that I told you so. Always listen to the B-Slant, when he tells you to hang up, hang it up. I heard that he got this letter from Harvard this morning.

Mr. Fitzpatrick, we are writing to request that you stop embarassing this institution on national television. As you know Harvard has a certain reputation for success amongst its graduates and your failure to be competitive in your chosen field has cast a black mark against our unparalled record (don't mention the Una-bomber, he was in Montana so it doesn't count). Should you decide to continue to ruin the fantasy stats of Issac Bruce...I mean besmirch the heralded name of this fine university we will be forced to revoke your degree. Good day to you.

- The Vikings won their 5th straight game on the resurgent shoulders of Brad Johnson and are now 7-5 and tied for second in the Wild Card race. This is incredible, sure they haven't beaten the cream of the crop (Lions twice, Green Bay, Cleveland, and Eli) but from where they were it's damn close to a miracle. What if they make the playoffs, would you want your team to play them?

- Memo to Dallas Cowboys fans:

Welcome to Hell. Remember when the Cowboys signed Bledsoe and you looked up his stats, impressive weren't they. Remember when New Yorkers and New Englanders used to wail about those cripling interceptions? Now you know why.

Signed: Pats and Bills fans everywhere.

I would take credit for predicting this, but who didn't predict this?

- The Chiefs beat the Broncos at home proving once again that they can beat anyone at Arrowhead. Trouble is they won't get to play a game there in January. How upset will KC fans be that their Chiefs, after what they did to the Patriots last week, will have to come to New England for their Wild Card game? Doesn't seem fair does it? Guess what, I don't care.

- Last year Seahawks at Eagles would have been a great Monday Night game. Now it's a trap game for Seattle. You can't like Phili's chances against Shaun Alexander and a Seahawks team that only has to stay the course in the winnable NFC to get home field throughout. But then again, we are talking about Mike Holmgren...

- Next week's MVP: David Garrard...like I said, the intellectual capacity of a 5 year old.

One non-football note: the finish of the Duke game last night was incredible. Watching that crowd go crazy reaffirms my thought that Cameron is probably the best place to see a game college sports, maybe all of sports. Hate them if you want but that atmosphere cannot be topped.